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January 10, 2004

She told me that she couldn't be with me because I wasn't a Christian. Though I'd expected it, I still found this surprising considering the extent that we had fallen in love with one another over the past year. Apparently, it still wasn't enough to compete with God, which both confused me and made me more unsure of my own agnosticism. One of the last things she told me on the phone -- after I had repeatedly told her that I would be a mess without her and had asked her who I would talk to if not her -- was: "Talk to God."

I had a nervous breakdown that night, maybe several. I'm not even entirely sure what a nervous breakdown is, but I'd always assumed that they involved a despair so overwhelming that the only possible response is to collapse in a puddle of your own tears. I did this a few times that night, and I would have continued to do it had I not become so exausted with my own sadness.

I was, and am still, unable to imagine a world in which she and I do not fall asleep in one another's arms, in which I do not get to see her grow old. I avoid thinking about it at length, as to do so brings on a sinking feeling that is hard to recover from without shedding more tears. I think about putting her picture away, of putting away everything I have here that might remind me of her, as these, too, make my heart sink. I won't, though... I can't let go, and I don't want to let go.

Later that night, as I was lying in bed staring at my empty room, I decided to look for God. It's easy to see this as a clear response to my inability to be with her, and perhaps that's all it is. The fact is, I have never really looked for God with an open mind and heart, I've only argued against the existence of one. I've never even read the whole Bible, only bits and pieces of it in my Catholic Sunday School days and in high school English class. So, maybe it's time. Maybe, out here all alone with nothing but time and heartbreak, I should search for what I was once so eager to disprove.

Before falling asleep that night I asked God to show himself to me, to help me through this dark time. I'd never prayed like that before -- not as an adult, anyway -- and as I was doing it I was sure that He could see right through me, that my seeming motivation for looking would keep him from me. Nevertheless, I have prayed like that every day and night since then, and I am waiting for something, although I'm not sure what. I'm told that if my eyes are open, and if my heart is ready, that he will make himself known to me -- my eyes are open, and my heart feels ready.

Comments

Wow, what an eloquently delivered post about a very painful subject. A few months ago, I was in a similar situation in that I lost the person I knew I was supposed to spend the rest of life with. After two years of escalating depression, my live-in boyfriend of 6 years decided to throw the towel in on his life. I and our relationship, went out with the bath water. He's decided to hide from himself and his life, and is locked away in a self inflicted isolaion. It's been several months now.

I wasn't sure how I would survive it. Besides my children, he was and still is the love of my life. The future doesn't seem whole without an image of him in it. I didn't know what to do and the thought of trying to move on emotionally seemed beyond me. He remained an ever-present thought, especially at night when I was alone in the bed that we once shared.

Fortunately or unfortunately, something came along and moved my focus back to me - the evil face of cancer reared its head. Worrying about my relationship with him runs a distant second to worry about my life. But thoughts of him and my love for him remain. To his credit he has been a good friend through the surguries and recoveries - well, as much a friend as a medicated depressive who won't seek therapy can be.

Take heart. God hears you, and is beside you in all things. Even when you deny him, doubt him and hate him, he knows that we are human and to "be" human, is to at times be frail.

May your heart find peace and the God you seek,

Lauren

I would recommend buying the New Believer's bible which has a great intro to Christianity and choosing Jesus as your Savior. Once you have an understanding of that, it might be easier to understand why someone who is a saved Christian wants their partner to be saved also.

There is so much more I could write but don't know what if any more questions you have but I'd be happy to help you get through this any way I can.

In another comment, I mentioned that Christians and how they live out their beliefs exist on a spectrum.

I can relate to wanting to share the same beliefs as your spouse. My husband and I find great strength and peace in sharing this part of our lives.

At the same time, I feel it is important to examine what she means by "Christian". I cared very, very much for someone when I was younger. To live as a Christian, as he interpreted Christianity, would be to live very differently than I do today. I feel that his interpretation was very judgemental, very exclusive. I am more focused on being active in social justice and human rights through my church than he was. He was more focused on activities with his church that I do not believe in according to the work I've done in biblical studies (ie, speaking in tongues, declarative evangelism, and so forth.)

This is a complex subject. And the personal relationship only serves to complicate. Move thoughtfully to untangle the web of the two. It is important to examine your relationship to Christ on its own merits.

I have been a Christian for nearly three years, but one thing that is holding me back - falling in love with a non-believer.

We have only known each other for a few months, starting our relationship as mates. This person actually did something that really hurt my feeling, by misunderstanding. so I learnt not to be emotionally involved with non-Christian. But I have already forgiven him, and I miss him even more each day. Thinking of how God put those amazing timing together from the first moment we met, and the enjoyable conversations we have had.

I tried to get over him by not seeing this person, it's been almost two months that we haven't seem each other eyes to eyes. But God keeps showing signs to confirm that he is still a potential. I hear or see his name everyday no matter I go, it could be on someone' T-shirt, or when i just about to got off the bus, the other passenger would suddenly came out his name, or when I bought something from a shop, the boss just about to end up a conversation on the phone, saying his name. Even when I crossed the road, the driver sitting inside of the car was his friend at work. I have no idea if they are planned by God or just the way it is....

If you see this, I want you to know one thing, that I learnt that really true love was- to unconditionally offer what I have got no matter what you did, even if you hate me. That's the way Jesus has been treating me, and now I am passing forward to you.

nice to see god thru this site

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